Parental Alienation
Awareness Organization

I really like your website. It has a lot of great information. My situation is a sad story. I had sole custody of my son for 15 years. In fact my son's father was only involved of and on but rarely for the first 11 years. I remarried when my son became 10 and that was the trigger for the alienation. In my case, my ex-husband was diagnosed with a mental illness very long ago. Of course he can function on a job but had many complications with his work and social interactions due to his mental state. Of course, to the unsuspecting- he can fool people for short intervals of time but with close inspection - it is apparent that that he suffers from mental problems and disorganized thoughts. 

 

I knew that my son's father was becoming more and more negative towards me for reasons I didn't understand. I didn't realize that I was being alienated and I thought it was related to my ex-husband decompensating mentally. Since he had off and on had bouts were his mental state deteriorated - I thought it was due to this. I didn't really put it toegther until he involved the police and in hindsight I put it all together.

 

I really believe that PAS is a mental disorder. I think that in the more severe cases like mine, the alienating parents may also suffer from other co-morbid mental disorders. Over the years- I have seen my ex-husband deteriorate. He also suffers from what Dr. Scott Peck refers to as the evil disease. He has always been very evil and vindictive. If he gets mad at people he does viscious things Like slash tires and sue them in court, etc. I know that even before my son was placed with him- he was fearful of my ex-husband. I could never get it out of my son and when I would try to get my son to tell me why - he always would cry hysterically and uncontrollably. This pained me so much I didn't continue to try to get him to tell me. I believe that my ex-husband keeps my son controlled by telling him that if he doesn't stay he will kill me. My son once shared that he had no choice- that he had to go live with him. He always would say I have to Mommy.

 

I am sure you know that dealing with this thing is rough. I thought the pain would subside. What hurts the most- I live 7 minutes from my son and I could walk to where he lives. His school is closer to me than it is to him. I have to constantly stay busy to survive. My outlook has changed. I never take anything for granted and I appreciate small pleasures. I adopted a small dog and he makes me laugh alot.

 

What helps you to get though this?

 

My Story : H i live in South Carolina,i have two kids a son who is 23 now and a daughter 18 and i have a grandbaby i have seen only 4 times my son and daughter lives with there father my x husband and he has destroyed my realtionship between me and them well i married this man in 1981 and he started beating on me time we got married my story is a long one well i got pregant with my son and that didnt stop him from beating on me i almost lost my son many times well he was born on december 23 1982 well things got worse and see i worked and i took care of my kids and didnt do drugs or drank or smoke i was a good person and he was a woman beater and a sociopath well when my son got old enough to know how to tell a lie my x husband started brainwashing him about me he would tell him to go to school and tell the teacher that i would hit him and all it was is a lie i never spanked my son he would tell his dad that is a lie but my x would convince him to do it well he would get worse well in 1988 i had my daughter and when she was old enough he done the same i have always taught my kids not to lie but there father would tell them if you lie on mama i will give you money so my kids really ate that up i didnt have a chance then in 1995 my xhusband well i went to pick my kids up at my mom house and i walked in and found a note my x had left with another woman and that he hated me and he hated our kids well i knew he didnt love us so filed for a divorced on physical cruetly and adultery well as time went on that woman left him and then he wanted to visit with the kids and that is really when it gets worse through my divorced he would follow me and stalked me and when the kids would go visit there father he would tell them to find out what i was doing or who i was dating you woulnt believe the things my kids would say well long time after our divorced i was so scared to date well i meet this nice guy and he was good to me and my kids we went to church and they where selling pictures well i sold a lot and i got my pakage free so me and my son and daughter and fred had our picture made well somehow my son cut out a small wallet size and he had put it in his wallet so he went to visit his dad and two weeks later i got a knock on my door and it was a man from my x husband lawyers office and the papers said for me to go to court and my x husband was wanting the judge to order me not to ever get married and for his kids not call another man dad this is how he was well finally we broke up he couldnt deal with my kids after they would visit there dad they would call him all kinds of names like bad things and i know i didnt teach my kids like that well there father had to much control over them so later i ended up in the hosiptal with my nerves i had went through so much and my kids thins still got worse my x finally got married but i was happy he did maybe he would leave me and the kids alone well that didnt happen see my x husband and my kids had drain me dry and the kids admitted to me that there dad told them to run my power bill up and all kinds of things and steal my trailer payment well i finally lost my home and car and then it still got worse my mom died in 1999 well i tryed my best to get on my feet again i bought another trailer and put it on my moms land and that relly made that x of mine mad well they started the same thing again the kids would run my power bill up to 700 dollars and all knids of everythings well my daughter had got real bad she would jump on me and beat me and i couldnt whoop her because i know in my heart that the kids was under his control i thought when i got a divorced that he would leave us alone but that never happened well in 2000 i got my son ajob where i was a supervisor well i stopped by and picked him up i didnt know that his father and his new wife was separted well my son showed me a third degree burn on his leg he told me that his father was mad because he blamed me for them sepateing well i let my son out on side of the road and while i was sitting in my car my x came to my door and and grabbed me by my hair and threw me in the road and then he drugged me in his front yard and almost killed me in front of my son and see we wasnt even married he blamed me for his wife leaving him see i have worked two jobs that day i was so tired i tryed to fight and my son was begging him to stop and he didnt well i finally drugged myself to my car and my son was in there with me i called the law and they arrested him but he got out and it took about 2 years to go to court by then he had payed my son some money to lie and change in story well my x got by i felt like afoolin court i was so mad you dont do your childern that way well my daughter had been visiting with her dad on a weekend visit i was always scared how the kids would tell lies well in 2002 my daughter was 14 years old she had got back from visting her father and see by this time i was dating my husband now his name is roger well my x was very mad because the kids would tell that he would ask them all kind of questions well roger was a good man he dont drink and neither smoke and he was good to my kids and my x didnt like that well on a sunday i went to pick my daughter up at the our local sherriff office well they left and i got home that friday and see i was on depression pills well i thryed to find them and so i did my daughter and my neighbors daughter had stole them well when i went to pick her up she was acting weird i sat her down at the table and ask her all i did was talked to her and she jumped on me when i stood to get me some water and she almost beat me to death well i still love my kids so that night the next moring i took her to school and let her out well that day around 4.00 she didnt get off the bus so i called everyone and about 2 hours our local sherriff office pulled in my yard and i asked them what was going on well they said that my daughetr had told the teacher that my husband now had blew on her belly and he wasnt even there this is when we where dating he loved my daughter well here goes my adughter in dss custody and robert my x and my daughter framed me and roger up they didnt even have no prove and i tryed to tell the dss how that man was well see he had money well i finally lost my daughter my x got her and the dss put her with him and her stepmom and i lost my second home i had a heartattack well finally i married roger i have lost everything and my x would laugh at me in front of the kids he is so evil well my health got worse when my daughter went to her dads house he went to anger management classes and i know he only done that to make hisself look good well i told my daughter as long as she lives with her dad until she gets 18 i wasnt going through what i have had to endure and my daughter sayed she understand well when she was 16 her father let her quit school and get married and now she is 18 and has a 7 month daughter and she has left her husband and lives with her father and my son does know and see in these 3and half years i have got diabetes and on a breathing machine and my heart is failing my daughter found out how bad i was sick so july she came to see me and brought my grandbaby to see i was so happy to see them well she came a few times one night i was talikng to her on the phone and she change her voice it is hard to explain she told me that i was only her birth parent and her real parents is her dad and her stepmom it sound like it was her father would say so i told her until she can respect me and talk nice dont come around me because i told her i am to weak to fight that man anymore i told her one day you will see what your has done to your mine and see her father dont care i want to see my kids and be with my grandbaby so much but what little time i have left hear on this earth i want it to be peaceful i worry about my kids day and night that one day they will see i dont want to hate there father never all i wanted was them to visit there father and be happy but all of this hell i have been through that man i was married to stills brainwashing my kids and when my granbaby gets old enough he will do her the same way this man will never stop i want a reationship and a honest one from my kids she told me that night on the phone that her father wants you to die you dont do innocent childern that way this man has used them to lie for him and to destroy me which now i live in a small trailer and will never be able to work and my husband dont make much we just verally get by and he has a house and he drives a truck and he has my kids turned against me and all i did was divorced him i know i should had left him but this man would really hurt me and to my mom was so sick i couldnt leave her behind i think about everyday now that i should had left him long ago and him never to see his kids again because you dont use your kids to get what you want ansd you dont do kids that way this is not all i just wish i can help my kids see what this man has done to them like you say it is child abuse and when my kids where little he would tell our son he was stupid all kind of names that would raelly hurt my kids has suffered so much that man has destroyed my life and took away my kids innocent i wish people would see that this is a problem in the USA kids and the good parent is the one who suffers.So stop this deadly form of child abuse.Sincerly J. L.

My Story : Hi, I am mid-way between elation and despair. When the book "A Kidnapped Mind" was recommended to me by a fellow step mother, I decided to pick it up. I finished the book in two days and it was indeed an eye-opener for me. I had little knowledge of Parental Alienation or Hostile Parenting. I am married to a wonderful man who adores his nine year old daughter. She lives with her mother, who has interim custody. Dad has strict, court-ordered, bi-weekly visits and little contact with his girl other than the occasional phone call or voice message she sometimes sneaks in to us between visits. Where to start? She does love her dad but is sometimes unable or unwilling to show it. She is fine until something happens (they are playing and she gets a bump on the leg, etc)She becomes enraged with her father. She is quick to point out his faults and if he does not live up to her expectations she uses manipulative guilt trips in order to get what she wants. She has been and continues to be greatly influenced by her mother, who openly displays her hatred toward her father. Virtually every drop off offers my step daughter the awful experience of witnessing her mother berate, curse at and generally denigrate my husband. She has threatened him with their daughter in just about every manner I can think of.."give me the F*()ing money or you won't see her again", "cooperate with me you piece of s&%#t or you won't see her again" or " I will make sure that your daughter hates you", all in front of their child. It is heartbreaking. One day we went for breakfast with some friends. My step daughter was happily chatting away when she suddenly looked at my friend and said "my mommy hates my daddy, do you know why? I don't know why my mommy hates my daddy!" She then proceeded to the table next to us and began asking the same question to people she had never seen before in her life! It was devastating to see this happen. At five years old, she had some huge adult issues in her mind and in her heart. She was admitted to hospital when she was six after a vomiting stint led us to the emergency room when she was visiting. Her fear/anxiety reaction prompted the staff to question us about her home life. For four days she remained in hospital and the social worker told her father she would be going home with him until further notice. We could not (and would not) believe our ears! Well, two days later the whole thing was reversed and she ended up going back home. During her stay at the hospital, her mother did not come for one visit. Her father and I took turns staying overnight at the hospital. The day before her follow up visit, we got a call saying Mom could not bring her and demanding my husband go pick her up and bring her back. No medical basis was found for her vomiting. So many incidents happened during this darling little girl's life that I could go on recounting for days. Fast forward to a beautiful nine year old who is desperately confused and who is so starved for affection for her mother that it hurts to look at her sometimes. She has an empty look in her eyes that betrays her smile. We fought to get her into counseling for three years and recently she was allowed to go. No one advised her father about the counseling until we left yet another voicemail with Child Protection begging them to help her. We were then advised that she had been seeing a counselor for a month, at least theoretically. Child Protection paid for the counseling because they saw the extreme need to have her there, gave all control to the mother and promptly shut the file tight before she even received her first counseling session. My step daughter is brilliant and she is in a modified academic program at school. She floats in and out of "behavior plans" and experiences many "think tanks" as a result of her behavior. She is labeled the problem child. She has never been tested for any learning disabilities or behavioral disorders, with the exception of a primary assessment from the district psychologist when she was in either kindergarten or grade one. We were told she had no concept of repurcussions. He called her narcissistic. He was concerned with her behavior and with the results of the tests. What now??? Where does the help come from??? Well, that was the extent of his involvement. The list of frustrations and disappointments is long. The real defeat lies in the fact that my husband does not share custody, despite countless social workers from Child Protection whispering "off the record" that he needs to get her out of there. We have no money to pursue a more than $20,000 venture with little chance of victory, as per the many legal firms we have consulted. So, we plod forward and resolve to continue to help her the best we can. Don't talk about Mom.Just love this little treasure. Try to understand her. Give her room to breathe and grieve. Love her unconditionally-that one is easy. My husband is worn thin and I can see the sparkle in his eyes dim as time goes on. He dies in between visitation. When he goes to pick her up, she picks his spirit up and he comes alive again-only to repeat the cycle on Sunday evening. We will never give up. Each tiny success we have with her is celebrated. We try not to wince when she tells us about how Mom says I am stupid because I let the dentist take out the wrong tooth, or how Dad is a jerk and is selfish because he is rich and won't share his money. Calm,cool and collected. We explain that no, the dentist took out the right tooth-we are not rich-we are working. Don't say the "M" word. Keep it "in this house". Keep it about us and only us. It is an exhausting war. As in any war, there are no winners, only casualties. In this case, the primary casualties are two of the people I love most on this planet. I dream of a peaceful existence, for everyone-even "M"

My Story : HELLO, I AM GOING THRU A DIVORCE AFTER OVER A 20 YEAR MARRIAGE,I DONT BLAME HER OR MYSELF FOR THAT!WE HAVE BEEN SEPERATED AND GOING THRU THIS DIVORCE FOR OVER A YEAR,THE FIRST FEW VISITS WITH MY 3 CHILDREN WHERE FINE,AND THEN I NOTICED A CHANGE IN THEM,MY SON WHO I WAS CLOSE WITH,STARTED ACTING MAD WHEN HE WAS WITH ME,AND MY TWO GIRLS WHERE ACTING A LITTLE FUNNY,I ASKED THEM ONE AT A TIME AT DIFFERENT TIMES WAS SOMETHING WRONG,AND THEY WOULD TELL ME IN NOT SO MANY WORDS THAT THERE MOM WAS SAYING NOT SUCH GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME,I TOLD THEM SOMETIMES PEOPLE SAY THINGS WHEN THERE MAD WITHOUT THINKING,IN THE MEAN TIME,WE HAVE WENT TO COURT FOR VISITATION,I AM SUPPOSE TO HAVE THEM EVERY OTHER WEEKEND,WELL SHE ONLY LETS ME GET THEM 2 DAYS A MONTH,AND HAS CELL PHONES FOR THEM ALL AND CALLS AND ASK ALOT OF THINGS,I TOLD THEM WHY DONT THEY JUST TALK TO THERE MOM ABOUT THERE FEELINGS,THEY SAID...WE DONT WANT TO MAKE HER MAD!ALSO IN THE MEAN TIME I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BLATTER CANCER,AND I DONT KNOW WHAT THE OUTCOME WILL BE,I LOVE MY CHILDREN SO VERY MUCH AND THERE MOTHER HAS MADE IT SO I CANT SPEND WHAT MIGHT BE MY LAST DAYS WITH THEM,SHE TOLD ME SHE HATES ME AND THAT MY SON DOES NOT EVEN WANT TO COME SEE ME THAT SHE MAKES HIM,MY ONE DAUGHTER TOLD SOMEONE THAT SHE WILL BE GLAD WHEN SHE CAN MAKE HER OWN CHOICES ABOUT HOW MUCH TIME SHE SPENDS WITH HER DAD,I DONT WANT TO FIGHT WITH THERE MOTHER,AND WONT!BUT I JUST WANT TO BE AS BIG OF A PART OF MY KIDS LIFE AS I CAN BE!I WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT,THERE MOTHER AND MYSELF GOT DIVORCED,BUT ...WE DIDNT DIVORCE THEM!I THINK WE SHOULD WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE THIS AS EASY OR TRY TO KEEP IT AS NORMAL AS FOR THEM AS WE CAN,I DONT BAD MOUTH THERE MOM AROUND THEM,AND I NEVER WILL,I WOULD NEVER HURT MY KIDS LIKE THAT NO MATTER HOW I FEEL ABOUT THERE MOM!WELL WITH ALOT OF PRAYERS AND GODS WILL,I WILL GET THRU THIS,AND BE ABLE TO BE THE FATHER I WANT AND MY KIDS NEED ME TO BE!!

My Story : I grew up thinking my mother was the enemy. My Dad's mother spent most of my childhood telling me stories, and lies about my family and mom,whom she hated with a passion. We didn't really understand what was going on until I was grown and came to realize that stuff wasn't true. Now Grandma has started over on another generation. She has sussessfully turned my 13 year old son against me. A few months ago she and my aunt(who lives with her) called my ex husband ( who has more or less been out of the children's lives for years) and told him I was going to kill my son. He flew up here from Florida and filed for a protection order, and got temporary custody of my 2 kids. TO save them from going thru having to testify against me on allegations of abuse ( that my daughter does not agree with and does not believe, but my son does) we did an agreed entry and I got her back and gave him custody of my son. I was niave and thought if he was in Fla he would be far enough away from Grandma and my aunt that I could work on repairing the relationship. Recently she paid for my ex to get an apartment here in Ohio and start causing grief all over again. We have to go back to court in September. I never in a million years realized what was happening, I thought he was just going thru teenage rebellion until it got really bad, and now I am trying to figure out what to do next. She has been telling the kids evidently for years that I was abusing them and has always told me that nothing I did raising them or disciplining them was right. My ex is furthering the fire by allowing him to spend time with them now that he is back here, and is right on the bandwagon so to speak telling my son he won't make him come for parenting time. I just want everyone to know that the alienator does not have to be an ex spouse or even a relative of the ex. THis whole thing is based around Grandma's deep seated hatred of my mother and she thinks I grew up just like mom. So now she has turned on me. I thought I could control what was going on because I knew what she had done to me and my brother, and I thought the kids needed all their family in their lives. Now my son hates me , his half sister and my mother and brother and only wants to have anything to do with his dad and my grandmother and aunt. I have been taking my daughter to the same psychologist that I took my son to years ago and he feels that Grandma has been setting the stage for this for years. My kids used to go over there all the time and I really didn't think too much of the bad behaviors when they came home. I just thought it was because Grandma let them do whatever they wanted. Now I am fighting to save the relationship I once had with my son, who doesn't want to have anything to do with me, even though I haven't done anything wrong.It took me years to make up with my mother, I was grown and had kids of my own before that relationship returned to a positive one. I don't want to see the same thing happen to my son or worse, him never realize what is happening to him and for me and the other people that love him unconditionally love him to lose him emptionally and mentally forever.

My Story : After my husband and I got married in 1980, his ex-wife decided to punish him by not allowing him to have visitation with his 3 year old daughter. We went to court for joint custody and outlined court-ordered visitation. The ex responded by accusing my husband of abuse. What followed that accusation was three years of litigation and investigations. CPS reported that the allegation was unfounded. In family court we won, but at a huge cost. Our first visit with the by then six year old little girl showed a child who was afraid of us because of what her mother had taught her. She was afraid of being poisoned if she ate our food, afraid of being abused. We lined up a counselor for her during visitations. After we returned her from that first visit, the mother took the child and ran through five states, putting the child in four schools in six months. When she settled in another state, the original court held a contempt hearing and found her in contempt. She responded by filing once again for sole custody because of abuse - this time to have occurred during our visit - and this time in the state where she had moved. We won again, and she left again. Because we had children of our own, and the legal cost was too great to continue, we gave up, hoping that someday we'd see her again. By that time she was 8 years old. Years went by and one day, our phone rang and it was that little girl, at 14. She was a runaway and in trouble. We hired an attorney and the juvenile delinquency court placed her with us for two months to see if we could get her to go back to school. She didn't like our rules, and refused to go to school. She was an alcoholic and we got her into AAA Teens. Still, she went back home to mom, saying that she had more freedom with her, that we were too strict. We didn't her from her again, until she became pregnant at 17. She wanted to live with us until the baby was born. We agreed but said that she would have to attend a highschool program for pregnant drop-out teens. The course would give her basics in child care (since she wanted to keep the baby) and her needed diploma. She refused. We didn't hear much from her after that... only that she had married, and had two more children who we managed to see twice. In 2001, we received a call from CPS. They had taken her three little boys due to several reports of domestic violence, drug use, neglect and finally the near drowning of her youngest, aged 22 months, left tied to a "floatie" in a public pool. We are now permanent guardians of those three little boys. Their mother, our daughter, attempted to accuse us of abuse during the juvenile court hearings of her sons, but we had already provided the court with all the records of our family nightmare. My step-duaghter is an alcoholic, occastionally used street drugs. From 2001 - 2004, she lived with several men and failed to comply with CPS and court-ordered reunification efforts. She became pregnant again, and moved in with another man - not the father of this youngest child. She married him last summer, but still does not attempt to contact her little boys - who have been with us now for five years. So far, there has been no reports on this fourth child - but we worry about him. My husbands ex-wife drank herself to death one year after the boys came to live with us. During that year, the ex-wife would call us all hours of the night, drunk, cursing, and accusing again. She was driven mad by her addictions and the falsity of her own words. The deadly mark of parental alienation destroyed her daughter, and nearly destroyed the grandsons, and finally destroyed the original false accuser and alientator, herself. Now, we pick up the pieces of three little boys' shattered lives, and focus on the life ahead of them. In the meantime, our other children and grandchildren have accepted the fact that we are parents to our own grandsons. At our age, it isn't easy, but then nothing worthwhile ever is. All three boys suffer from a variety of mental health issues due to the true abuse and neglect they had suffered through. One of them has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. His life will always be difficult. How different things could have been had the court system fully understood PAS. I hope you are all successful in your efforts on this site. Thank you and I wish you success.

My Story : I have been dealing with the Palm Beach county court system for 11 years with an abusive ex husband that is using the court system as his tool and getting away with it. Over 800 dockets, 9 volumes on this case and still counting. This can be verified on the public court website. Case #50-1994-DR-09558-XX-DE-FC. My children have been taken by my ex and I had not seen them or heard from them since September 2004. Now I am allowed two hours once a week and their father refuses to bring them and the three times he did the children treated me as their father and stepmother do. Everything they say is what their father says. My 15 year old son was put in Juv. overnight for battering me a couple of days prior to my ex taking them. They are now suing me for custody and back child support despite the fact the other Judges that have reviewed our prior custody trial and other court hearings find the ex is showing intolerable behavior, hides income and that him and his current wife are in fact the only alienators of our children. None of this seems to matter. On my May 15th, 2005 hearing Judge G. stated this was not about being fair. I guess I thought that was what we could count on in court. My mistake. Did I mention the attorney my Former Husband is using said it was a conflict of interest when I first called him when I need to leave for fear of my life 11 years ago? You see I thought the attorney was what I considered a "friend" I introduced him to my Former Husband, he was at our wedding, our home. There is nothing like your ex crushing you needlessly with someone you considered a friend as their tool. My Former Husband has two companies, a huge home we started all of this together. I took our children and my life and was happy to have that. Please check out the FACTSNOW website and see how many other women are going up against a judicial system that fails those that count on it. It is not just women, it is men as well. I felt when I left my abusive husband the system would protect our children as well as myself. Instead the Court tends to be a tool for my ex to continue abusing me legally and no one can help? My children are now abusers and there is no hope to change that. My 15 year old son battered me as his father had in the past. I had told my son I expected respect and instead was slammed into the wall. Going Pro Se' after spending close to $60,000 in legal fees of course was not going to help my case to get our children back despite all the police and school reports indicate my children are doing anything but thriving in their father and step mothers care. On August 22, 2005 I was in court and finally cried UNCLE!! I am a good mother and simply asked for respect from my children. Instead of help from the Courts to end this and help our children. I am now going to have to pay back support from the day they took them. My Former Husband can keep maintaining fraud before the court and it is allowed. Our new Judge says that alienation rarely occurs. Where does that leave our case or the mental help our children need? It is too late for me. I am enclosing the review FACTS made regarding my last hearing this week. Maybe together we can put a stop to this injustice. Our children and my life has been ruined but I certainly would love to end this for other victims. Evidently an abusive spouse might lose control over you physically but they can use the Court as their tool and never let you go until the children and your soul is crushed. My August 22, 2005 Court date: Attn'y for father: R.M. Witnesses for father: Father and Stepmother: Purpose of Hearing/Trial: Custody? Child support Evaluation: I was Pro'Se and my ex-husband had a very seasoned attorney who knew the "system" well. The Judge was a lot better than the prior judge.  It was Judge B. She is new to family court. I had been just so mentally and physically abused I didn't have a lot of fight left. I surrendered to save my sanity. I asked that the ex and his new wife adopt the children and the Judge ruled that the father would be Primary Custodian.(that way I would still be responsible for child support and expenses). I was on crutches and every time I opened my mouth the other attorney was jumping down my throat because I didn't "word" the questions properly so I wasn't able to introduce a lot of my documents and evidence. The husband claimed he made 40 grand a year. Yet he was the one with the attorney who charges in excess of $250.00 an hour plus a 10grand retainer at least that is what I was quoted. It was futile those kids don't stand a chance the daughter was suspended from school and the son has a violent temper. But none of that was entered because I didn't word her questions correctly.but the Judge did give me a chance to speak at the end and I told her exactly how I felt and how the "system " had dragged me through the mud and finally just broke my spirit. I did what she thought was best for my children even though it tore out my heart.

My Story : I am Canadian citizen living in the USA. I got my divorce from my abusive ex husband after a long fight in the court as he was refusing to give me divorce. We do share joint custody of our two children age 12 and 8. The children live with him in Canada. The reason he got their physical custody because he brain washed my 12 yr old daughter and the court thought it would be  in the best interest for the children if they live together with their father and I had to give my son to him. Before I got my divorce and moved to USA I made sure I had access to my children, so the court granted me basically what I asked for ie summer, spring break and major holiday visits of the children to USA, regular phone calls so on. However their dad is not very cooperative. He refuses to give me his phone number so that I can not contact my children, he continues to say bad things to my children about me. The only way I can talk to my children is through their school. My daughter does not speak to me and my son speaks to me when I call him at school. He tells me how much he misses me. In july I went to Canada so that I can pick my son up for summer but his dad fled with him for a camping trip right infront of me. I asked for police assistance but they could not help me. They said they could not charge the father for kidnapping since the children live with him. I then went to the court and got an order from the judge stating that the police could assist me. The police then told me that they could only help me if they serve him first with that order and for that they have to know where he is. So my friend and I campped out near his house for 3 nights 24/7 hoping that we will see him and police will be able to serve him, but he never returned. In the mean time I had to come back to USA as I work here. Here I am....my lawyer said I need to pay her a deposit before she would take my case to the court. She said I can ask for full custody but I probably will not get it since I live in the USA but she said I should get better access....thats what I plan to do...my fights goes on...I dont know when I will get to see my children again...I just wish the court would see what he is doing....that he is brainwashing the children...but no one seem to understand me...specially the judges...I just pray to God that when my children get older they will hear their mothers cry and understand the lies that their father feeding them and come back to me...I know if my love for them is true and solid they will come back to me...please dear parents pray for me and let me know if there is anything I could do so that I can stop him from doing what he is doing....hurting my children.

My Story : I am a father of four(3bio,1step).My first two children are from a former relationship.For the past six years I have paid all my childsupport,always been there to pick them up for my time.I love them so much I asked for more time with my children,my ex has denied me any extra time nevermind even discussing it.My ex and her boyfriend have been grilling the kids about everything making me out to be a bad father to them.Then my ex and her boyfriend come and yell at me for what ever the kids say.It got to a point that my ex grilled the kids and she and her boyfriend came out and my ex ended up asaulting my new wife,infront of our other two kids.My ex plead guilty but has not allowed me to see my kids since.My kids tell me they do not want to see me and that I am a liar."Everyone tells me your a liar" is all my son sayes.It has been 5 months and this is affecting everyone.From me and my wife and the other two kids we have to all their cousins,grandparents,ect..We all miss them.I feel so bad for all my children,they do not deserve to be involved in an adult's problem.I wonder what will happen when my children find out the truth?They need their father and mother.I left their mom not them. I will not give up.

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I am an abused woman. I was in an abusive marriage for 20 years; I finally
found the strength to leave in 2000. I thought that by leaving I would end the
psychological abuse I had been enduring for years. I began to notice that his
psychological abuse i.e. undermining my every request to the children and our
constant fighting was beginning to affect the children, and I had to end it.
That was the worst assumption of my life. You see when I insisted he leave he
had already figured out my plan, I had gotten a job and began to defy his
control a few years earlier. In 2001, he moved us into a house in another State
after he refused to pay the rent on the house we had been living in, and we were
evicted. The new house, which was a rental cost @ $1,900 a month. However, once
he had me isolated he began to escalate his mental abuse. He told my teenage
daughter I was having an online affair, which I was not. She began to
disrespect me more and more as daddy tried to get her on his side with lies about me.
Being the responsible parent, I kept my children out of the problems my ex and
I had. I had no idea he was plotting this revenge campaign that is still in
full throttle. So without money, but beyond frustrated I told him to leave as
the children were becoming affected due to my staying, at the time I thought it
was in their best interest to stay so they had a roof over their head and
both parents. He had not been abusing them and I had ignored him, I was focused
on my children’s needs. It was psychological abuse for the most part with one
incident of physical abuse, in which I needed stitches after he threw me
backwards through a glass dining room table. Because he was controlling and I did
not have access to any money friends or resources, leaving this marriage was
going to be a very difficult task. I was not sure a shelter would be a better
place for my children and me. Therefore, I began to plan a way to leave that
would allow me to keep my children, and feed them and keep a roof over our heads.
I did not realize the impact my horrible marriage had on my children. In
January 2001, I finally had the courage to tell him to leave after I had gotten a
decent job and felt I was able to stay afloat. However, what happened in the
years that followed I could have never imagined even in my worst nightmare. In
the first two years, I had to deal with the loss of income due to 9/11. I
work in the food and beverage business, as we were severely impacted by 9/11.
My children and I were evicted two times during the first year. My
15-year-old son choked me within the first week after my ex left; I had him taken out of
the house by the police department. They had called in child protective
services because in an attempt to free myself from his grip I chose to bite his
arm, leaving a mark. However, the child protective supervisor saw what had
happened and understood the dynamics of what was going on (many years before I
figured it out). He told my son he was lucky he (the supervisor) was not me,
because my son would have been lucky if all he would have done was bite his arm to
free himself from the chokehold. I am going to cut to the chase here after
three unfounded child abuse accusations my ex called on me. He was able to
manipulate one ACS worker into indicating a charge against me for abuse of drugs with
an attempt of suicide. This was a bold face LIE! As I have recently had the
indicated charge amended to unfounded legally sealed, but the damage has
already been done. However back then she fell for it- despite medical records and
psyche evaluations to the contrary. Unfortunately they removed my children, and
I was not aware of the indicated cause until February 2006. I felt like I was
living in the twilight zone for 6 years. He was able to manipulate the courts-
the CSW's and the entire neighborhood into believing his delusions. No matter
what I said or did, they would not allow me access to my children, and I could
not understand why. They accused me of being a drug addict, I went and took
drug tests that were negative, and still that did not gain me any access. I
believe my ex is narcissist or perhaps a sociopath, and that is how he has been
able to accomplish this. During the following years, he was able to turn my
children against me, while he refused me ANY contact, and I was unable to get the
courts to help me. I contacted your agency in 2003 and was turned away. I
began to research what was going on in my insane life and found the answer. I'm
sure by now you know where this is going but I'll spell it out anyway, please
be open minded enough to read this in it's entirety as it will help abused
women, who are further abused after the breakup of abusive marriages around the
world if you do something about it. I decided to contact some of the men's
groups when the women’s groups slammed the door in my face. Through those groups I
heard the word alienation and researched it, I stumbled across Parental
Alienation Syndrome. Yes this is what my abusive ex husband did, his need for power
and control and his personality disorders (only my opinion as he refuses to be
tested) allowed him to USE my children as pawns in his goal to destroy me for
leaving him. Alienated children show the EXACT same symptoms across the
board. While I have read many letters from other abused women that are in the exact
situation as mine, the pattern is undeniable, I felt that if I contacted you
on all of our behalf perhaps someone would listen. Please consider opening your
mind to the fact that men's groups are not the enemy. In fact there are many
women in the so called "men's groups" the issue at hand (destroying our
children) is about power and control not gender. If we stand united for our children
maybe, just maybe we can be heard, and the continued abuse by using ones own
children against them can stop. Women are not the only ones abused, so are
men. The ultimate abuse is taking ones child and ruining their life by keeping
them away from a fit parent whether that parent is male or female. I do not
disagree with the assumption that abusive parents need to be kept away from the
other parent, what I do disagree with is that only females can be abused
spouses. I wonder what impact we can have if we stood together on this. Showing this
is a power and control issue instead of a male vs. female issue. I cannot see
how dividing the sexes will help our children. Isn’t it time to stop the
abuse, the abuse of our future generations period?
Thank you for reading this.

My Story : My husband and I have both been affected by this. First, my husband's story. In 1993, when his son was just 2 years old, his wife decided she was going to school in Washington (they lived in Alaska). She took everything with her, because the school thing was just a ploy to get my husband to help her pack, pay her rent. credit card bills, utility bills, and generally support her and their son for the next two years (she went to school all of two weeks). Finally, my husband found out she had been living with another man and asked for a divorce. Since that time, 1995, she has monitored all phone calls, denied visitation since 1999, not sent a photo since 1998, nor made a phone call concerning son since she left. All phone calls she did make were to accuse my husband of hiding money, not loving their son, and trying to harass and hurt her, etc. Of course, she made sure that the phone was always on speaker and that thier son was right there. In 1998, she started demanding an adoption/termination of parental rights. My husband refused until this year, June 19, 2006, when he legally lost his son. In reality, the loss happened years ago. Each phone call to him resulted in his son telling his father he was just trying to hurt his mother, he was harassing both her and him and he was a "dick" and he never wanted to see him, nor did he want him in his life. He has another son...or so he was told by his ex-fiance. This woman send's a picture and a letter to my husband's mother, once a year. However, she told my husband, when she was just three months pregnant (1996), that he was NOT to have anything to do with his child. She allowed him one visit, just after the birth, and one picture. She informed my mother in law she could visit the boy, but must NEVER mention my husband. Since that time, she let it be known that she would continue to keep my mother in law "informed", but she was not to act, in anyway, like a grandmother. My story is about the same as my husbands. My first husband and I divorced when my daughter was 2 (1993). I let my ex-husband take full custody, believing it was in her "best interest". After a year, I saw there was going to be trouble. Two weeks after my announcement that I planned to move back to Arizona, my ex-husband announced he and his fiance planned to move to North Carolina. As soon as they were married I was addressed to my daughter as "Mommy Alison"...that only lasted two weeks and then I was just "Alison", or sometimes "Alison Hofstad-Benitz" (the names of my second ex-husband and current husband)...this was done by her new step-mother, my ex-husband doesn't refer to me at all. My daughter only continued to have two way phone conversations with me for one month. Since that time she will only answer "yes", "no" questions. At the age of 12 she told me my phone calls caused her "physical and emotional trauma" and if I cared anything about her I would stay out of her life completely. I made a compromise with her...I would no longer call if she would answer my letters. I have received, eight letters in two and one-half years...all completely typed, unsigned, and very short and impersonal. I try to send her a letter a month...most, as you can see, go unanswered. I have tried to talk with her step-mother, however, she completely ignores my requests for communications, photos, etc, and/or (according to my ex-husband) complains about how she shouldn't have to "put up with her shit" and I get the same attitude from him. I haven't had a picture of my daughter since approximately 1998. I have NEVER had a phone call returned (okay, once, but only because I had the police call their house), nor have they ever called or written to let me know how my daughter is doing. As far as my daughter is concerned, "It's okay for other people to have two mothers". I guess, just not her.

 

My Story : I have read many articles, letters and stories. All seem to suggest Parental Alienation Syndrome begins following a lengthy and heated court battle over custody of the children. Given my experience, I would have to suggest the onset of PAS can begin much sooner than that, with the symptoms manifesting outwardly, following divorce. If there is any doubt that the programming of a child, for the purposes of alienating a parent can begin long before the custody battle begins, I hope my story will shed some light on the subject. I am the mother of four daughters; their ages are 25, 23, 17 and 15. My second marriage was an abusive one. Like many women with young children, I suffered in silence. I believed my children deserved to have both a mother and a father. Void of what may be deemed the typical physical abuse, it was also fairly typical that friends and family didn't notice there was any type of problem between us. Emotional and sexual abuse inflicted by my now Ex-husband went unnoticed. I now realize my silence helped to facilitate the alienation process. When abuse involves verbal outbursts and frequent criticism dished up with a heavy dose of sarcasm; often times under the guise of "jokes"; and frequent sexual advances that are followed by extended periods of silence if rejected; it's hard to say one knows for certain they are being abused. The abuse escalated to expressed feelings of jealousy toward the children, temper tantrums that included physical contact with walls and doors around me, and accusations of extra martial relationships. Accusations that were impossible given I never left the house unless I was with my husband, or my children. The abuse did not become tangible for me, until it culminated in rape and sodomy. It was that particular incident, and the threats of repeated assaults that caused me to re-evaluate the relationship and in doing so, to rethink some of the other experiences I had had. If we had insufficient funds for something he wanted to do or buy, I was asked, "where did all the money go"? If I went out to work so that I could contribute to our financial needs, I was told, "You're never home". When I found work that I could do at home, in a home office situated in the same space as the children's toy area, "You never spend any time with your children" or "You're always working". Each time I altered my behavior I faced a new criticism. If the toys were not picked up and dinner on the table promptly, I was accused of having done nothing all day. All four children have very high scholastic abilities. They could spell their first and last name before they started school. They recognized colors, knew their alphabet, and could recite some of the times table before they started school. My husband worked full-time and was gone from 6 am to 5 pm Monday to Friday. I don't believe my children learned these basic skills during a naptime slumber. Therefore, it is a logical assumption; I had spent a sufficient amount of time with them. And yet, as a mother, I had no redeeming qualities. My eldest daughter was recommended to the enriched Math and English programs when she was in high school. My 17 year old,  has achieved a grade average of over 90% throughout her first three years of high school. She received top honors in commencement from public school; taking 6 out of the 8 scholastic awards given for her graduating class. My 15 year old received an academic award also, and continues to be an honor roll student in Grade 9. My second daughter's accomplishments have been extremely limited. It was suggested 12 years ago, by more than one health care professional, the cause is severe psychological trauma. Raising four intelligent girls is an accomplishment. Raising them having been "always" absent from the home, and "never" having spent time with them would have been impossible. With such a long list of accomplishments, I find it hard to believe I severely failed my children. Unfortunately, with the exception of Jennifer, my daughters do not agree. From the time I was pregnant with our first child together I received direct criticism for nearly everything I did or didn't do to his liking. After taking some fairly drastic measures to escape the marriage, it ended 12 years ago. I assumed incorrectly that if I ended the marriage, I would also end the cycle of abuse. The options are not great for women who fall victim to this type of spousal abuse. Short of having the father of my children arrested for sexual assault, thereby voiding them of his presence completely, there are really no options. I had no evidence at the time the abuse had been harmful to our children. I felt compelled to make the best of a bad situation. He had not abused our children, and he has been a good father. However, I believe the abuse present in our marriage established the groundwork for the Parental Alienation Syndrome I have experience since our divorce 10 years ago. I left my husband to get away from the lies manifested to exact control. I received 8 months of counselling so that I could deal with the anger that comes from abusive relationships and the trauma of rape. I enrolled my children and myself in family counselling, and I was eager to start a new life with my children. Despite the abuse, I did everything in my power to ensure our daughters had easy access to both their father and myself. I ignored further abusive behaviors and I worked very hard to present a positive exterior when having to deal with my Ex. Largely due to the trauma of rape, I could not bring myself to be in a close proximity to him, but I didn't deny my children the opportunity. They spent time together one night every week, and usually every Saturday morning; with weekend visitation every other week. Oddly, it came as a shock to me that even after our divorce, he would not move on, and could still manage to find ways to manipulate. As a single parent, my typical day began at 5 am. Each and every day filled with as much as I could possibly accomplish.meals for 5, laundry for 5, homework for 4, baking cookies for fund raising events, sometimes for all four children at the same time, taking the children out for movies or an ice cream when I could afford it, working 10 hours a day to support the family beyond what child support would cover; a couple of hours of television in the evening and I was in bed by 10. As each child grew to an age where they could help with household duties, they were given chores, and each was responsible for keeping their own rooms clean. If there is a parent of four children in existence; single, married or otherwise involved, who doesn't work constantly, I'd be very surprised. I have remained socially active, pursued outside hobbies and interests when there was time, enrolled in two post secondary school courses because they interested me, and for 10 years I have been involved on a voluntary basis with the Foundation for Fighting Blindness. These are all efforts on my part to portray to my children what I would consider to be normal life for a single, socially aware woman in her 30's and 40's. Three of my children are now also involved in the volunteer work. The symptoms of PAS presented almost immediately. I heard over and over, the same criticisms, in exactly the same phrases, as those I had dealt with from him directly; first from my eldest 2 daughters, and later from the younger ones. Imagine how frustrating it might be to take your children out for dinner and to the movies, only to have those memories erased with "You never spend time with us", just a few days later. Imagine how frustrating it is to have baked 20 dozen cookies for a school fundraiser, only to hear "You're never home", less than a week later. It's difficult to fight what is not real, and yet very real to the young mind that truly believes it is. If I went out with friends, or to work, or to school, I heard, "You're never home". For the past 5 years, I have had a home-based business. Spending nights working while watching television in the living room with my two youngest daughters was very common. I am repeatedly criticized for "always working" and "never spending time with them". I tried to involve them in my business, giving them small jobs to do; for which they received minimum wage. Again, I received criticism. On the occasions when I have gone out for an evening, I have left my eldest daughter to care for the two youngest children. Not only did I hear that I'm never home, but also that I must not want to be a mother. I have been told, by my Ex, on many occasions the reason my children do not speak to me themselves is because they are afraid of me. I experienced what I believed at the time was separation anxiety with one of my two younger children. It appeared to be similar to when a parent takes their children to daycare or school for the first time and was prevalent in returns from Dad's house. I asked him to make his departure more rapid; I was told I was uncaring and insensitive, however he complied and the situation seemed to diminish until gone. If I was not home, for whatever reason, I was scolded openly for being absent. Being a responsible parent, I would never leave children 4 and 5 years old unsupervised. If I could not be home at anytime or for any reason, the oldest was there. She had been asked to watch her sisters on many occasions before the divorce. There was no reason to think it would be an issue afterward. Two years ago, the two youngest children told me they wanted to live with their Dad. When asked why; my children echoed the reasons."You're never home, you're always working, and you never have time for us". They added they would be happier if they didn't live with me anymore. I knew in my heart the change would not be good. I was worried that without my daily presence, my children would be consumed. Consumed by the insecurity, hatred, and the bitterness that exists within the man to whom I was once married. Without constant reminders of the things we did together.movies, dinners, television, homework and weekend adventures, they would be all but replaced with a version of reality that does not and has never existed. I considered denying my children the option, however I did seek the advice of a Family Councillor. He emphatically supported the best interest would be served by respecting the wishes of the children. A few days ago, and on the eve of my youngest daughter's 15th birthday, she told me sometimes she hates me; that I'm to blame for everything that has happened. That when she lived with me, I never did anything accept work; and that she and her sisters did everything else. She doesn't want to see me anymore and she did not care if I ever call her again. I have not spoken to her since. I don't know what to say. And, I don't want to say anything that will make it worse. I need help, but I don't really know where to turn. My oldest, through therapy; therapy she initiated, has come to terms with what she was told versus what is real. We have a very close relationship and she has been is a huge source of strength for me. My last three daughters have all rejected the suggestion of counselling. If I needed to help them by never calling or never seeing them, it would hurt me beyond words, but I would do it. I would do anything for my children; I want them to grow up to be happy, and healthy adults. My fear is they will never have that chance. And, I fear that because they are so filled with emotional abandonment issues, real or imagined, they will never know what it is like to have a normal life. I fear they are so filled with guilt they may harm themselves. If you have advice on how I can keep my children safe from the damage of PAS, please help.

My Story : I have been reading all of the letters from your sight, and take a small comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I am a woman who left an extremely violent man who is also an alcoholic 11 years ago, and raised our son and daughter as well as any single mother could. I was awarded sole custody after a 2-year long battle in 1995.I am an RN with a decent job, and worked hard to make sure that my kids had the same things that other kids had, even cars. Both of my kids did well in school and my daughter graduated in 2005. My Ex was never involved in their lives, except to manipulate them to defy me and lie to me, which made my job alot harder. They would frequently complain that he talked bad about me all of the time, and my daughter stopped visiting him at age 13 after he got drunk and pulled his fist back like he was going to hit her during a black-out because he was mad at his current wife. He would sometimes call me and act romantic, which made me sick, and attempt to get me to go out to dinner with him, but I never did. This man had broken my bones, and I once even had to have surgery from the DV. My infant daughter was in my arms when this beating occured. Anyway, my son who is now 14 got mad at me in November 2005, because I wouldn't agree to let him miss a whole week of school for Deer Hunting Season, and told his Dad, who jumped at the opportunity to file for custody, since he was mad because I had remarried last Summer to the man I have been with for 10 years. That is when the severe PA began, and my son began being controlled by his Father. His Father began calling daily, and then began showing him Court Documents, and saying that I was trying to get him arrested and was lying on him in Court. My son would treat me well when alone with me, but when he was with his Father he would ignore me, or treat me with extreme disrepect. In May, he picked my son up for a week-end visitation, and while I was at a Memorial Day Event, had my 14 year old son take every single stitch of clothing, TV's, VCR's, and EVERYTHING out of his room and moved it to his house. He told my son you live HERE, and then kept my son from all of his friends, family, and me for the next 2 months. When I went to get my son his Father charged out of the house like a raging bull and came to the car and threatened to kill me and my husband, while my son stood on the porch and watched. During these two months I made 57 phone calls to his house, and 18 trips to attempt to see my son, none of them successful. We finally got a 30 minute hearing in front of a different Judge than the one who originally heard the case just this week. One would think that this was a pretty cut and dry case, but to my surprise, the Judge heard one witness,my son, who was made to testify in front of me and his Father (his Fathers idea). I know that they are supposed to interview the child alone, but the Judge just didn't. My 14 year old son took the stand and cried and lied. I couldn't believe the stuff that came out of his mouth. It was like my Ex was talking through him. He doesn't have a thought of his own left. My Lawyer had to show him pictures to get him to "remember" vacations and even a trip to Disneyworld with me and his Stepfather. He couldn't even "remember" who took him to see his Neurosurgeon the last 30 times (always me). He was afraid to even wipe his nose! My Ex has been married 5 times, arrested for DV, Stalking, Violating a Protection Order, had 5 DUI's, one which was just last year which involved passing out and crashing into a building, and recently resisted arrest by refusing to come out of his house when he threw his last wife through a window, and had to be brought out by a SWAT Team, at which time he was going to shoot the Sheriff. He is also a diagnosed Sociopath. Anyway, this crazy Judge took my PAS son's words at face value, and actually gave this man temporary custody pending a GAL evaluation. He even ordered me to pay retroactive child support for the last two months back to the date that he stole him against a custody order. He was legally in Interference With Custody, but this Judge could have cared less. I am in shock that this kind of thing can go on. My son is a straight A student. He has not seen his lifelong best friends for two months. His Father has completely isolated him from all of the people who have loved him his entire life. He would not even speak to me or his Grandparents at Court. He looks like he has Stockholm Syndrome. When I do get to talk to him, he is really mean to me, and his Father's mouth is always in the background telling him what to say. This is a classic case of a batterer continuing to batter and control through their children, and the Court is supporting it, even rewarding it. My son is a prime candidate to become a batterer when he grows up. My Lawyer says that my son is damaged and programmed. My heart is broken. Anyone who says that PAS is junk science has never lived through it.

 

 
My Story : I haven't seen my 4 kids for 4 years (aged 14 to 21) I'm a social worker who runs a 20 bed group home for adolescents...how ironic! She dumped me for another guy, and brainwashed the kids to believe it was all my fault! I still send cards & letters, with no reply. I've had therapy & support groups, re-married, & moved on as much as I can. God bless any child or parent who has fallen victim to this terrible syndrome.

My Story : My story is not about the hate vindication and fear that leads to the level of classical PAS. It is about the fear and aggression that distorts facts and a court system that is weighted in the direction of hearing-is-beliving, the "larger income gets the child", and a court that does not search into the "other side" of an issue. I live 1/2 mile from my daughter and her mom. I bought the house (cheapest in town I believe) so our daughter could get to school on the bus from either parents home. That was 7.5 yrs ago and the hope just died with the latest round in this long court process. My atty gave away custody w/o confering w/me. I tried on the issue of Supervised Visits and lost. My "ex" lives a fear based lifestyle. She placed me on a pedistal @ our meeting and has since (5-7 yrs of 'marriage' later) demonized me. She makes about $100,000 p/yr while I make $30,000. She and her attornies have done everything possible except for a restraining order to part myself and my step da, her's from a second marriage, and our daughter (10 yrs younger). The three of them have gone 1.500 mi to visit my father, but I've not been able to visit while my da. was there. They have visited my sister, 1.5 hrs away, again I/m not able to share my da w/ my family (the mother would feel left our - a very painful experience for her). She has required Supervised Visits 2 - 3 yrs now due to my supposed danger to our daughter (about 16 X p/yr @ $50 a visit). My da has been to my house 1.25 hr in 7 yrs and only when family has picked her up and been present (supervised again, I suppose) My da loves me and we both demonstrate this with physical contact - the GAL and atty have attempted to sexualize this contact. (My X was a member of Sex and Love Addicts Annonymous for 10 yrs). Because her fa. was absentee father (she claims he was an abandoning alcoholic (her wrds) I believe (I am a Marriage and Family Psychotherapist) she does not realize our da needs anything more from her fa (me) than she recieved. We live in a very liberal area (Newsweek had a front cover of 2 women holding hands - Northampton, MA, 6 mi away) and possibly like many areas of the country - the custodial parent is afforded more weight in Family and Probate Court, the system here is even greater squewed toward mothers. This is a 7 yr old story, begining @ my da's 2.5 birthday - she's 10 the end of this month. She had to grow up awfully fast. (Actually didn't, she's pretty immature - court said she plays w/dolls like a child 5 yrs younger than she is. A group of them are always set up, aside. This group she's given the same name as my family surname. Much is left out, this is but a thumbnail sketch. I've added it here for those cases not to the level of PAS (the step da loved me...when the mother entered the room she'd slide down the other end of the couch. When the mother would leave the room she'd slide back under my arm. Now will not respond to my "Hello" ventures. SHE is alienated). But to show other men and women that stuff happens and it can still seperate loved ones - parents and children. There is damage, children suffer/are bereft of the mitigating influence of a second parent w/o full blown PAS. Court systems DO damage lives. (My judge is a former social worker and mediator. I am both plus a GAL). 7/8/06

My Story : I am the father of two wonderful boys who refuse to see me and usually swear at me or hang up when I call them each week. These are the same children that I read stories to,held their hand till they fell asleep, took to their Tai Kwon do lessons, participated in Scouting events with, helped with school projects, helped build a tree house in our back yard, went on bike rides with, etc. I had been married for about 14 years when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. Shortly after that, she left. She stayed with some friends for a couple of weeks then moved in with her boyfriend. I stayed at our home with my sons (my mother in law lived downstairs) for the next eight months till the house was sold. Not once did their mother take them to her new home. She came by during the day and left as soon as her mother returned from work. She told our sons about our upcoming divorce one day when I was at work. (I worked three jobs because she refused to seek employment.) I have no idea what she told them and they didn't want to discuss the situation with me. During our marriage, my ex wife punches me in the face, pulled my hair out by handfulls, threw items at me and would talk with her mother about what a lazy idiot I was, usually in front of our sons. I paid for our divorce and her rent when she moved out. Shortly before we moved out of our home, my son's assaulted me with a board. My mother in law stood and watched, with a smile on her face. My significant other (whom I met in five months after their mother left) took pictures of the bruises and cuts on my body. My significant other and I introduced our children (she has a son two weeks younger than my oldest boy) by "accidentially" running into each other at a local amusement park. We spent the day with our children riding the rides and just allowing the natural process of getting to know each other to happen. My boys enjoyed my significant other's son and the boys seemed on their way to a friendship. We took great care to not hold hands or kiss each other because we didn't want to put anymore stress on anyone involved. The kids seemed to like her. When my soon to be ex wife found out she had a fit. She didn't want my boys around "Daddy's girlfriend." The house was sold and the boys went to live with their mother. I moved in with my significant other. The first sign that she wasn't going to honor our joint legal custody status came when she became angry that I called my sons once a day. "Is this going to be an everyday thing?" Then came the incident when I went to pick up my sons and my oldest son was angry with me, why I still don't know, and began to throw ice balls at my car. His mother stood on the porch with her arms crossed and smiled. The boys would tell me stories about one of their mother's roommates coming home drunk and parking his car in the middle of the yard. When I asked my ex about this she told me to mind my own business, the boys were lying. The weekend my oldest son attempted to assault me and my signifiant other threatened to call the police was the last visit he made to my home. That was before we had been divorced a year. Once five days went by and my calls were unanswered and unreturned. I called the police, explained the situation and said I was afraid something might have happened to my ex and my boys. After the police made a stop at their home and found them all there, I received a call from one of my ex's roommates telling me that she didn't appreciate my calls and why didn't I just do what was best for my sons and go away and leave them alone! My youngest son continued to visit. He was very anxious and tearful during one visit and finally told me that his mother's relationship with her boyfriend had ended and she was so sad and crying all the time. I hugged my son and told him that he could always call me if he felt afraid. I bought him a cell phone that weekend which he said would make him feel safer. My ex called immediately after I dropped him off to tell me how stupid it was to buy him a cell phone. She moved the boy without informing me. She changed their schools without informing me. And, she moved a new boyfriend in. I set up a mediation session through the Family Courts in Minnesota. My ex entered this meeting stating that she had absolutely no idea why she was there. The mediator told her I had a right to call the boys, once a day. She also instruced my ex to take them to therapy. The ex then instructed the psychologist to not give me any information on their sessions. When I finally faxed documentation of our joint legal status, he told me he had terminated the therapy because my boys refused to talk with him. My boys screamed at me on the phone about how they were not crazy and their mom had told them that I wanted them to go to therapy because I thought there was something wrong with them. During the second mediation session, my ex agreed to comply with our divorce decree. Then came the fourth of July. We traded off certain hoidays and this was my year to have them. When I called to make arrangements to pick them up their mother told me she had already made plans for them. During my next cal, the boys told me they hadn't gone to the fireworks. Their mom hadn't felt good. When I asked my ex about it she said she had never told me they were going to fireworks. She refused to attend school conference with me, the school was unwilling to set up two different sessions, so I didn't go. My oldest son was in a car accident. I found out about it months later. I had scheduled a third mediation session and received a call from the mediator rescheduling. She said the ex was "due" in a couple of days. My response, "Due for what?" The ex was pregnant and had instructed the boys to not say a word to me about it. Who were my boys supposed to process their feeling with? I didn't think it could get any worse. Then I married my significant other. The boys refused to attend the wedding. "It's only a wedding," was their comment to me. Now, four yeas later, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my boys. If they answer the phone at all, they swear at me or usually just pick it up and hang up immediately. (Or someone in the house does.) On Father's Day this year, I had made plans to see my younger son and he had to stay home and babysit his little sister at the last minute. The ex had errands to run. No visit. After the ex told me my oldest son wasn't home (and has been telling me this for months) he suddenly got on the phone and screamed at me that I had abandoned them, had abused their mother, ruined his life and "I wish I'd kicked your teeth down your throat when I'd had the chance." She's told the boys I don't love them. She has them convinced that I physicall abused her even though they witnessed the abuse she did to me. I know how crazy this all feels to me so I can just imagine what my boys go through. She has told them I divorced her despite the fact that she left and was extremely vocal about divorcing me. My ex mother in law took me to court for repayment of all the gifts she gave my ex and I during our marriage. The judge informed her these were gifts to her daughter and I. Did she want her daughter to repay her too? Of course, she didn't. I sent a leter to Family Court a couple of weeks ago and received notice yesterday that the case has been assigned to a judge and I will be receiving infomation on upcoming court dates. I don't even know how to begin to tell you how painful this is. I know absolutely nothing about my boys. Nothing. When I've attempted to ask my ex why they are so angry with me her response is always the same, "I have no idea why they are angry with you. I encourage them to see you." The therapist I have been seeing encouraged me to continue to call. She described the situation to me like this: They are living in a war zone and they do what they have to do to survive. My boys have become increasingly withdraw through the past four years. When I have been able to get them for a visit, after about an hour they seem to let down their guard and I see my sons again. As soon as we begin the drive back, they would tense up, usually getting out of my car without saying good bye. Their mother is always watching at the door or out a window. I send them cards, sometimes with money and never know if they have received them or not unless I ask. They never talk about anything fun or any new item they might have bought with the money. They tell me they hate me but don't have a response when I ask them what I did to make them feel this way. More often than not, I cry when I get off the phone with them. They ask me why I don't sell my personal belongings so I can send their mom more money, despite the fact that I do pay my child support. When I came upon financial hardships last year and had it modified for several months, they called me cheap and lazy. I never had a definition for what was going on until my wife found information on PAS. My ex wife's picture ought to be posted next to the definition. Now, I hope that the courts will intervene. It's scary because I don't know if my relationship with my oldest son can be repaired. I fear for the boys well being because I know they don't want to live with me and if the courts do make a change in physical custody, my ex may never speak to my youngest son again. It is a no win situation for everyone involved. I don't say anything negative about their mom. I've told them when they have been being rude that I know that their mother and I didn't raise them to speak to anyone this way - they have no response. When I remind them of the fun times we've had in the past, they get very quiet. They don't know what to say. I thought I'd get a screaming phone call from the ex when she received the letter from court. So far, nothing. I'm pretty sure that my boys will be even more angry with me (if that's possible) during the upcoming months. Their mom has them convinced tha she is being victimized by me and all I really want is to see my children. I just hope that more and more people will become aware of PAS. It's so unfair and the kids are who suffer the most. I will write again when there is some court outcome.

This week I have called my children several times. Today is Tuesday and since Sunday I have called my daughter six times. She doesn't answer her phone. Since Sunday, I have called my son three times and sent him seven IMs. He doesns't answer me. This is typical. Since 2000 I have been alienated, by my children, now 18, and 21. I am a mom, whom has lived without her children; a mom whom is not allowed vistation with her children. I have never been accused or convicted of a crime. I have never ever used drugs, never abused my children, and always had a highly respectable career, and place in society. My children have been brainwashed to ignore me.Their dad, my abusive ex husband, has severely emotionally damaged my children. They became motherless one April night, in 2000.Even though they are older, now, Xhusband still hides my children from me, via mind games and manipulation. You just can't take the mother away from children, and expect them to flurish and grow without emotional distress. Being alienated from my children, is my "punishment" for divorcing my very abusive husband. He promised he would take my children and everything I had, if I divorced him. My story is very long and detailed, and full of horror. This is a simple summary of our lives, for the last 6-8 years.

Please help me. I cannot tell you what my 2 children, now 14 and 17 and I have gone through at the hands and sick mind of their father, an abusive police officer who has never been charged and manipulates the system. He first had me arrested in 2001 after he had been gone for 3 years and had to start paying child support. He asked for and manipulated the custody assesor to get interim custody and used the kids as pawns for 2 years, telling them they could come home when I got a teaching job. My children and I have a neuromuscular disease and I very reluctantly gave up my spousal support to ensure return of my children and as my lawyer suggested, get away from his harassment. Instead it did not stop and he manipulated the children with his great amount of money and told them that I had mental problems, to live with wim to have control and not pay child support. We were always very close and now my chuildren want nothing to do with me. My legal aide lawyer says that there is nothing we can do about my son due to his age and that the courts will listen to my daughter even though she was brainwashed. What can I do? Thank you so much,

My Story : I have been very active in my daughter's life. Then her mother stopped letting us see each other so many times. Now she is saying false things against me to not let me see our daughter. It's been over a month now and she's asking for supervised visitation. We lived togther for like 8 months and all of a sudden this is going on. All I know is I will never stop trying to see my daughter.

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My son is 15 & my daughter is 10. Their mother has custody of them from a Scioto County, OH March 2001 ex-parte order. She was very physically abusive to my mother, who is now 69 & me. She has scared & threatened the life of my 75 year old handicapped father. She has moved from NJ to OH to NY from 2000-2003. My parents & I, who love my children very much, have only been "able" to see my children about 4 times since she began moving around the country, disobeying court orders, & making false accusations about my parents & me. She states in court that because my mother, who currently works as an RN is older, she is unable to care for my children. Each time she left a state, it was because she committed fraud. In NJ, she committed insurance fraud. In OH, her parents & her left abruptly during a FEMA fraud investigation. At present, she lives with her boyfriend in Dutchess County, NY. He drove 4 hours & assaulted me in my backyard on December 22, 2003. In April 2004, my daughter had a stab wound. The NY family court, Guardian Ad Liteum, State Police, & Child Protective Services refuses to investigate the matter because "Arlington School District finds nothing wrong." Arlington School District has violated court orders & FERPA laws by refusing me any information about my son & daughter. In September 2004, my daughter went to Vassar Brothers ER again & a few days later had an MRI of her head. April 2005, my son went to the ER for suspicious injuries. My insurance company has no idea what occured to warrant an MRI & no one in NY will tell me what happened. Their mother refuses to allow me court ordered visitation & has gone to the extreme of lying to police & using the false reports to obtain orders of protection. The judge signed the orders of protection. One order was that I drove by her sister's house in NJ. I refuse to go anyway near her sister's house because her sister is very crazy. The other order was that I was at her home. I was at MY home & at a local Home Depot the exact time she states that I was in NY. No one will view my evidence that I am innocent. Meanwhile, each time I see my son, he is more sociopathic like his mother. I fear for my daughter's life. I also fear for the life of my new handicapped step daughter, my wife, my parents & my life because the mother & her entire family is sociopathic & with the family able to convince a stranger (her boyfriend) to assualt me, I can imagine the hold they have on my son who is already showing sociopathic signs. Her parents & sister moved 15 minutes away from me & her parents, sister, & her are often seen driving past my house in a slow, deliberately threatening way. Her father sexually abused her as a child & I fear that my son is being sexually abused by his mother & my daughter is being sexually abused by her grandfather. No one cares. The State of NY is paying for this mess because of all the state & county employees needed to sort out her lies, along with the fact she is recieving legal aid from Hudson Valley. NY will pay the ultimate price when my children are grown; living off the system like their mother, harming themselves & or others, & not living to their potential due to psychological problems from the constant abuse. That is, if their mother continues to live in NY & our children survive into adulthood despite the abuse from her family & her. I hope any "family court reform" will remove some of the bias that mothers are better parents & prevent people like their mother from needlessly draining the system & preventing real victims from recieving justice, along with ensuring, providing, & enforcing non abusive grandparents & elders rights to visit children amist nasty divorces. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is real, it is dangerous, & it allows their mother to continue to physically abuse my son & daughter unabashed. What better way to isolate a child from all who love & care about them then to alienate the child? Hence, PAS. Thank-you for your time.

My Story : I would like to share with you something I recorded in 2002 when my youngest daughter was only 6 years old. I did not know back then anything about PAS or even what the letters stood for. Now 4 years later neither of my daughters speak to me now that they have been moved over 200 miles away. I keep an open mind and an open heart for them that someday they will return. Write to me if you would like to hear this wave file. It's sad that if I knew what I did today back then about PAS I wonder if my daughters would be still here or not? But I do know this one thing for sure, the courts don't care.

For some reason my ex-wife had put into our separation agreement what she called a "right of first refusal". Apparently it is pretty common. it called for an offer of parenting time to the other parent before utilizing a child care provider. One day during my visitation time with the boys I heard them discussing their babysitter, "Barb". It turned out that during one weekend my ex had gone to a conference and had called someone to come over and baby-sit all day long. When I filed a contempt based on the agreement she lied to the court and told them she had offered the kids to me and I had refused. That, of course never happened as I have never refused an opportunity to have my boys. Later I asked them and in fact she had told them the same thing, that she had asked me and I had refused saying I was too busy or something.

I am now a 41 year old female who has been PAS as a child and now by an Ex husband and Adoptive mother. As a child my mother left my father before I was born and growning up he was either never mentioned or what was said was never nice. I spent most of my life wishing I'd had a chance to make up my own mind about him. Finally at the age of 18 I got his phone number and called him to be told that he thought I was dead and he wished to keep it that way. I never understood why . The only things I was ever told about him were not good or nice . And by the time I was 18 he had become ill. And I would have to guess that he didn't want to drag me in at that point and that he did not have enough time to make things right or enough time to help me under stand what happened. Now as an adult I realize that I missed so much in my life by him not being a part of it. As a mother of my own children ( 3 one son and 2 daughters) by two marriages I am now alienated from my son for 25 yrs. I have been trying to find him for some time now but have not at this point been able to locate him but have not given up and won't. My right to my daughters was removed 14 years ago and I was forbidden to make contact with them. Now they are 18 and 19 and as of Sept.2005 they contacted me. They now live in the same state as I . Trying to repair the damage done is not easy in any way. They as of right now do not understand nor want to understand what it is to be Alienated from a parent and family. They have been Alienated from all members of my family since the oldest was 5 years old . And I'm at a loss as to how to fix the damage done to them.

My Story : After 17 years of trying to stay in a marriage with a manipulating sociopathic husband,I left him after he threatened to kill me one night. I still cared about him, but I could not live that way anymore. He threatened to kill me and he threatened suicide if I took the kids. Out of fear, I made the biggest mistake of my life - I left without the kids. I trusted him to take care of them. I visited them daily, cooked and cleaned for them,and made a valiant effort to remain in their lives. But their father had other plans. He told me that if I would not be his wife, then I was not allowed to be their mother. I knew this was a ridiculous threat as I believed the laws of NY state would allow me time with my kids and see that my then husband was not mentally stable enough to be custodial parent. I was dead wrong! My children's father had so entrenched and poisoned the minds of my children before we even got into court. Once in court, the ignorant judge who over saw our case basically left custody and visitation decissions up to the brainwashed children. (who mirrored perfectly their father's views) The judge believed every lying word of my children and their father despite the fact that a court ordered psychological test identified the children as being severe victims of PAS. The judge stated that he was afraid that my children would run away if forced to visit me, but yet, ironically, he believed that the children were emotionally well adjusted to make a decision on whether or not they would allow me to be in their lives. How could a child who had a solid, loving relationship with a parent suddenly cast that parent off like yesterday's trash? And if a child chooses to eliminate a parent completely from their lives, can this child really be emotionally stable? Should the judicial system be rewarding child abusers who emotionally abuse by causing alienation? So many questions, so few answers. To make a long story short, I have not seen my children for many months, and I only live 5 miles away. I send cards, notes, gifts and requests for visits monthly. I never get any replies. Not even on Mother's Day. I am a first grade teacher and I have a classroom full of kids who I love and who love me back, but there will always be a sadness in my heart for the loss of my two daughters. My daughters minds and souls have been held hostage by their father and they will never be free to love unless he admits to what he did to them. Unfortunately, he is a sociopath,and he cannot admit to guilt or wrong-doing. I fear that my children are lost forever. I love them with all my heart and my greatest wish is to hug them once more.

My Story : I have read the stories on this board and they are the stories about men who were alienated against their children for the most part. I want to make a very strong statement here. PAS does not only happen to fathers and their children by the ex wives. Many many times, the blatant fact that PAS is started by abusive, phsycotic and imbalanced men is not acknowledged by the press, law officials, governments and so on...this is truly a sad affair. I believe that PAS against women started by ex husbands happens a lot more than we may see...simply because of this. FEAR. I am a horribly abused woman by an ex husband who deciced he would punish me for leaving him, by brainwashing my son against me. I was a great mom, loved my son, my son love me, and I have missed him terribly for the last 20 years. The phsycotic nature and violent tendencies of my ex has put the breaks on my agressively persuing a relationship with my brainwashed son. The reason I have suffered is not only because of my vindictive ex, but also because of the poor law system in Canada that used to tap an abusive man on the wrist for brutally beating up his wife or girlfriend. The law in Canada also favours the man who earns a good living over someone with little to no monetary options and without a work history. When I was in the abusive marriage, my ex forbade me to become independant through work or by any other means. I was forced to stay home and be totally independant of him; he also forbade me to have friends that may one day help me. In turn, when I left for the final time, I was basically S.O.L...no money, no car, no furniture, nothing. My old fashioned parents didn't make it easier on me either, and I cut off all ties with them for years. So they were of no help to me; in fact, they aided and abetted my ex in getting away with the brainwashing act. The other thing about Canadian law is this: the reason that I've not had custody however is not because I lost it, but because I handed it over to my abusive ex because the law, 20 years ago, saw it fit to disclose my residential address to my violent ex, should we share custody, which was my original intention (always the fair one, that is me); the reason for this was, that the each of the parents has a right to know where their child is when not in the presence of the absentee parent of the moment. Basically I had to hand over custody in order to save my life; had my ex known where my son and I lived, he would have killed me eventually, after the stark realization on his part, that I would never come back to him. This is what the law did to me and to my son 20 years ago. And what my ex did to me and my son is worse. I have not seen my son whom I miss dearly, who I have not seen grown up, who has hated me based on the lies that his father told him about me..I have had numerous stress related problems and I also have developed a debilitating sleep problem because even after all this time, I can't stop thinking about my son whom I miss, and the injustice that was done to me and my son, and, the realization that I may never see him again. Sometimes I wish he had died so I could mourn him and know that it was "an act of God" and not a man's vindictive revenge on something I had every right to do; leave the abusive relationship for good. It also doesn't help that my ex has tried to completely erase (and I'm sure he's done a great job of it) any memory of me as his son's mom, by marrying a woman who now calls my son her son, and who my son in turn calls her "mom"....It's taken a lot of self control to not lose it...but there's still time.

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