Parental Alienation is Child Abuse. I have lived through it for more than 9 years. My daughter's father and his wife and family have attempted to sever bonds that a child needs in order to have a chance for a healthy development.
I chose not to marry him and yes, it was a pregnancy out of wedlock at the age of 32. This angered him and his family. Soon after he was introduced to his now wife. Since the age of 6 mos.. our daughter has been going back and forth between homes.
The real nightmare began in the courts at mediation. Although the mediator (promoted from a secretarial position, no degree) rolled her eyes at him several times, she came up with a schedule that was outlandish. Once he knew he had some power, he went full force.
At the age of 7 I felt my daughter pulling away from me. We had a loving relationship despite the criticism until that age. I took her to a psychologist and she wanted to talk to her father. He refused. I then found out he and his family told my daughter that when she turns 13 she can live with them.
When a child thinks he or she will be pulled away from someone important in their life, they will begin to put up walls to protect them from the pain even though they do not realize that this is what they are doing. They will form an alliance with one parent and this is usually the parent badmouthing the other. It is the parent buying the child whatever he or she wants. It is the parent who rewards feedings from their child of often embellished stories about the other parent, even lies.
Everything the parent that is being criticized does is no good. I have been put down for taking her to the wrong dentist, allowing her to wear a coat to school when in the afternoon it was warm out, and getting a cold at pre-school. When I took her for hair cuts they would tell her it was crooked and she would not go with me anymore. They even changed medical doctors. Once, while going to school to be a teacher, I found time to make a costume. It was a felt butterfly. My daughter tried it on when her daddy came to the door and he commented that there was a little glue on the wing. When she came back from the visit, she refused to wear it. I would buy her a new book bag for school, they would re-buy and mine would sit and collect dust. She would want to sign up for an event at school and when she came back she would not be interested no longer.
I would attend all of her school functions even when not my night with her. Once they told her that I was not there and did not care. She quizzed me about what she was wearing on stage. Another time they had her call me from their house after a school function and have her say that the principal of her school stopped her and asked why me and my fiance did not take our chairs back to the cafeteria. When I checked with the principal the next day about that, she said she did not say anything like that. During lunch she made it known to my daughter that she did not even see me there to prove to her that if her dad said she approached him, it was a lie.
Lie or no lie, a brainwashed kid will stick up for the parent known as the alienating parent. The target parent feels as though their hands are tied because they do not wish to treat their kids the way the alienating parent does. The alienating parent says they love the child and the child is most important, but turning a child from a parent is NOT love. The child is the center of their universe so they say but that is not necessarily good parenting. Teaching a child how to interact with the universe is good parenting. An alienating parent usually says a target parent is controlling, but I find that totally opposite. They have their mind and until they release it the child can not experience peace. They have the control of their well being. We must get through to alienating parents about the damage they are doing to their own flesh and blood.
Thank you,
C.C. |
Today is Valentine's Day, and I just joined this support group. I am happily married for a second time in my life, but have had many, many, experiences with the subject of PARENTAL ALIENATION. I was married my first time for 20 years, and have 3 children from my first marriage. I have a daughter, who is a 27 year old that has graduated from a private college a few years ago and has a great career and we have a great relationship now. I also have 2 sons that are 21 and 23, who are in college yet. My 23 year old is graduating this Spring from college. My youngest son is a junior in college. My sons have lived 4 hours away from me, (with their father) since they were in Jr. High. It was a painful time in my life and still continues to be.
They lived with me 3 years after the divorce, but then their father wanted them to come live with him and he talked and talked them into it, while I was going thru some painful, painful times. I was left penniless and trying to make it on my own with 3 kids, so my ex-husband took advantage of my weakest moments, and talked my 2 sons into moving in with him. My ex-husband moved 4 hours away and married my 1st cousin, 1 year after our divorce. This was devastating to me, since he married my cousin, my best friend. She and my ex-husband were nasty to me. At first when these sons moved in with them, they said how it would be so easy for me to see them anytime, communicate whenever I wanted thru the telephone and etc. It ended up being a disaster. I would call to talk to my boys, and the answering machine would always be one to leave messages, and when I did go see them, which was an expense to drive 4 hours always, he would not meet me anywhere half- way or help out in anyway to bring them up here to stay with me. I paid child support and furnished health, dental, and eye care insurance to them and virtually had no rights. At one time, my ex-husband wanted me to give up my Parental Rights, which I would never do. I always went to their Parent-Teacher Conferences at the schools where they lived. Then I did find out what they were doing in school and how they were doing. When I did see them thru the years, it was only briefly on weekends. They did not want to spend time with me for very long at all. They never came and saw me the whole time thru their high school years. I went to their High School graduations but just watched the ceremony from a distance, and when they both were 18, they told me they wanted nothing more to do with me. I am sure their father told them they had to have contact with me until they were 18, then after that, that was it. It is heartwrenching, to say the least, as you all know.
My daughter has a great relationship with her brothers, but only sees them occasionally, because of the distance, and where she lives. None of them live near me. I have heard from my youngest son, just briefly thru the past several months. We have been e-mailing briefly. There has been a tiny, tiny break thru with him. But I have not had any communication with my eldest son, who is graduating from college this Spring. I have been to a therapist for a few years now, and before that I always talked to ministers and such. I have a wonderful, supportive husband, and a whole bunch of great friends and some supportive family, such as my brother who is probably my closest friend. He knows my aches and pains, just like my husband does. He told me he knew at Christmas time, that there was still a whole lot of hurt.
All I want is my 3 children together someday in my life, before I die. My daughter knows this but she can't change her brothers minds yet. Most everyone involved in my life thru the years have said my children have just been brainwashed so much. My ex-husband has not talked to his own mother and sister and brother for many years. So that pretty much sums it up. He has taught my sons to not have a relationship with their Mother. It is tough! Especially when my cousin's mom is my Aunt and her dad is my Uncle. They do not have anything to do with me, because of this marriage. Also, I have a sister I have not talked to in 8 years. She doesn't have anything to do with my brother and I. She is totally on my cousin's side of the fence. This is a deep wound, and I am trying to heal every day still, from this ordeal.
This experience I have had for the past several years has been something that I do not know if it will ever heal all the way. Thank you for listening to me, please, I need help still. P |
